"Momma"

Wanna-be-Mom, Expectant Mother, New Mom, NICU Mom and Grieving Mother. All I really want is to be called "Momma" by my child.  The phases of my motherhood seem to have halted in this dark and lonely place as a grieving mother.  My entire life I have wanted to be a mother.  At a young age I had a deep desire to adopt knowing that a mother's love is something to be shared to all children not only ons of your own womb.  It took us atleast a year to get pregnant with Eva-this phase would be coined as my "Wanna-be-Mom" phase.  Once I was pregnant, my life was now filled with my little girl.  I thought of her every second of everyday.  I was an "Expectant Mother."  When Eva was placed in my arms, I discovered this beautiful new phase as "New Mom" that gave me purpose and drive to focus all my love to this sweet child.  As Eva quickly became ill, I transitioned into the role as "NICU Mom."  How is this different from "New Mom" you ask?  Well, "New Mom" vows to never leave her child and to protect her from anything painful or harmful.  "NICU Mom" understands that sometimes things that hurt actually help.  "NICU Mom" knows that she must leave to sleep, pump breast milk and eat, so that when it's time to make decisions or sit through procedures or give her child something to eat, her mind is alert, her emotions are in check and the breast milk is ready to be served.  Grieving Mother, the phase that I feel perpetually stuck in, is the most difficult and painful of all phases.  I would be pregnant for the rest of my life, if I knew that it would keep my child safe.  I would hover, hold, nurture, breastfeed and be awake every two hours in the night for eternity, if it meant my child was alive.  I would pump, eat, sleep, repeat until the world came to an end, if it meant that my child would grow healthy and live a life longer than mine.  I would do all these things to hear my child call me the name that I have craved and dreamed.  Just one name, "Momma."