No Longer Viable

Viability...a word that didn't mean so much a couple years ago.  On Friday this word earned a new meaning in my life.  I learned that this pregnancy is no longer viable.  There wasn't any growth from week 6 to week 7.  Week 6 was measuring at 4 weeks, so we knew that this was a likelhood.  I started spotting on Monday but was still told to have some hope.  As the week went on, I began to read my body which told me that I was no longer pregnant.  When I layed on the table on Friday morning, my heart already knew what was being told to me.  I remained calm, breathed, and recited my meditative phrase, "I am with God, God is with me." 
I can longer see these events happening in my life as afflictions to "me", "I", "Sadie", or "my soul."  All of these remain unchanged.  God has created me the exactly the way he wanted me.  "I am ok" regardless what happens to my body or in this world.  I have no control over things, in fact, I am not SUPPOSED  to have control over these things.  Since I do not have control of them, I also do not need to know why it has happened.  All I need to know is that "I am okay." 
This revelation will change my life.  I frequently try to control my environment by keeping people safe, healthy, and in my reach.  I think that I can keep my loved ones from dieing by having my hand in what they are doing-especially when it comes to their medical issues.  I am not supposed to be in control of these things.  When I think about my parents or husband dieing, my thoughts are usually, "I will never survive that."  But I have already survived the death of my daughter and now a miscarriage.  Yes, these people are my major supports that have gotten me through these things.  But "I" have also gotten through these things because God created me with the strength to do so.