Angry

BI am angry, like really really angry. I have a list of all the things I am angry about. I am so angry that it is actually physically painful. I yell, I scream, I say horrible things, my thoughts are negative, my thoughts are towards death and ending this angry pain. I throw things and I procrastinate and I lack compassion for others. I am so angry!!  I feel like no one can possibly understand how angry I am right now- for weeks now I have been angry. I'm not supposed to be this angry anymore.  When I confess my anger to someone they reveal more reasons to be angry with them or someone or something else.  I don't want to be angry anymore.  It hurts too much to be this angry. 

I came back to this post quickly to edit... Should I list what I am angry about? Or does that solidify these things and make it more difficult to move on? If someone thinks I should, tell me and I will. 

No Longer Viable

Viability...a word that didn't mean so much a couple years ago.  On Friday this word earned a new meaning in my life.  I learned that this pregnancy is no longer viable.  There wasn't any growth from week 6 to week 7.  Week 6 was measuring at 4 weeks, so we knew that this was a likelhood.  I started spotting on Monday but was still told to have some hope.  As the week went on, I began to read my body which told me that I was no longer pregnant.  When I layed on the table on Friday morning, my heart already knew what was being told to me.  I remained calm, breathed, and recited my meditative phrase, "I am with God, God is with me." 
I can longer see these events happening in my life as afflictions to "me", "I", "Sadie", or "my soul."  All of these remain unchanged.  God has created me the exactly the way he wanted me.  "I am ok" regardless what happens to my body or in this world.  I have no control over things, in fact, I am not SUPPOSED  to have control over these things.  Since I do not have control of them, I also do not need to know why it has happened.  All I need to know is that "I am okay." 
This revelation will change my life.  I frequently try to control my environment by keeping people safe, healthy, and in my reach.  I think that I can keep my loved ones from dieing by having my hand in what they are doing-especially when it comes to their medical issues.  I am not supposed to be in control of these things.  When I think about my parents or husband dieing, my thoughts are usually, "I will never survive that."  But I have already survived the death of my daughter and now a miscarriage.  Yes, these people are my major supports that have gotten me through these things.  But "I" have also gotten through these things because God created me with the strength to do so. 

"Momma"

Wanna-be-Mom, Expectant Mother, New Mom, NICU Mom and Grieving Mother. All I really want is to be called "Momma" by my child.  The phases of my motherhood seem to have halted in this dark and lonely place as a grieving mother.  My entire life I have wanted to be a mother.  At a young age I had a deep desire to adopt knowing that a mother's love is something to be shared to all children not only ons of your own womb.  It took us atleast a year to get pregnant with Eva-this phase would be coined as my "Wanna-be-Mom" phase.  Once I was pregnant, my life was now filled with my little girl.  I thought of her every second of everyday.  I was an "Expectant Mother."  When Eva was placed in my arms, I discovered this beautiful new phase as "New Mom" that gave me purpose and drive to focus all my love to this sweet child.  As Eva quickly became ill, I transitioned into the role as "NICU Mom."  How is this different from "New Mom" you ask?  Well, "New Mom" vows to never leave her child and to protect her from anything painful or harmful.  "NICU Mom" understands that sometimes things that hurt actually help.  "NICU Mom" knows that she must leave to sleep, pump breast milk and eat, so that when it's time to make decisions or sit through procedures or give her child something to eat, her mind is alert, her emotions are in check and the breast milk is ready to be served.  Grieving Mother, the phase that I feel perpetually stuck in, is the most difficult and painful of all phases.  I would be pregnant for the rest of my life, if I knew that it would keep my child safe.  I would hover, hold, nurture, breastfeed and be awake every two hours in the night for eternity, if it meant my child was alive.  I would pump, eat, sleep, repeat until the world came to an end, if it meant that my child would grow healthy and live a life longer than mine.  I would do all these things to hear my child call me the name that I have craved and dreamed.  Just one name, "Momma."

All my fears

I really can't believe this but I'm pregnant. It's a long story of how I got here but I need to talk about my fears that exist today. I am six weeks past my LMP but things aren't looking very good. My HCG levels have been rising slowly-doubling but started out low. I had an ultrasound yesterday and the g-sac is measuring at 4 weeks rather than 6 weeks. I've been told to prepare for a miscarriage-"watch for spotting", the doctors and nurses at the fertility office feel "guarded". My beloved midwives are being honest when they say, "things don't sound good".
I feel like all the fears I've had allowing myself to get pregnant again are coming true. How will I ever trust my body again when it's doing everything ALL WRONG!!! I need everything to go smoothly. I need the extra monitoring to be only for sanity sake not for miscarriage watch or whatever else could go wrong in a pregnancy.
I'm scared, angry, sad, and in complete despair. I don't even know what do or where to go. I feel so broken.
I have another ultrasound on Friday to see if the right growth is happening. They've mentioned that it's possible that I ovulated twice. I know my cycle pretty well. I've kept track of when we had sex. This would still make measurements off by a week or a little less. And why would I ovulate twice???? Who does that? I mean it gives me hope to think that but I just can't possibly believe or foresee that this pregnancy will bring me a living child.
What I've been telling myself these days is, "My story is not like other people's story." Everyone wants to tell you how things worked out for other people but that's not me. That's not my story!! Things didn't work out for my Eva. She didn't get better and come home with us to grow into a beautiful little girl. That's not my story.
I wonder how I will survive this. How much loss can one person take? I know of women who have lost more. I just don't want that story. I want my rainbow, my happy ending. (stomping feet).

My first post

My first post. Where to start? Do I jump right in where I stand today or do I start where my life did a belly flop instead of a swan dive? I think this very question is what has kept me from posting anything at all. Even when I start with today, there is so much to explain. I guess I need to decide if I am writing for a reader or writing for me. In my daily life I'm very concerned with the "reader" or the perception/feelings of others. I read some blogs that are much like a daily newspaper. I don't think I could keep up with something like that. I would immediately sense my failure for not keeping up and then quit all together. This needs to be more relaxed, maybe random even. Really, If the readers don't understand something, they could always ask for an explanation. And since I'm talking about readers, I might add that my preference is that if you know me in real life then you don't read here. I guess I would like an audience but not one that could actually see me at work, church or in my home. I'm not sure how to control that factor though. Is there a way to make people have to request an invitation to read beyond my profile and first post... Hmmm. I think I need that question answered. Well, my first post is written. There she is. I'm not gonna lie, this makes me nervous. But then again, what doesn't make me nervous these days!